The First Year: What if?

Monday, 19 February 2018

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I am writing this post in the hopes its posted Monday 19th February which is my first day of Orientation at Curtin. Its my positive reminder to not let these passing emotions sway me and weigh on me like an avalanche aftermath. And I will go into the week, step onto this next flight of stairs not with my anxieties leading. More of that positivity and good vibes. That good stuff you know.
Whilst I am striding in with this brighter perspective, I'e had a year or so of anxieties.
Some of which include:

Human Interaction

Meeting people for the first time and first impressions, are not my forte. Its an uphill battle right?
Well with sharing a "home" with complete strangers. That battle has more awkward attached to it.
I used to suppress in public toilets because I was so awkward about it. I have been growing comfortable that it is a natural human thing. I am at a stage where I've grown out from avoiding toilets when I am a guest in someones home.

4'9 ft

Need I elaborate? Some people are clumsy, I attribute a quarter of my clumsiness due to my height. Not my own bodged judgement.
Yet. What if? What if I sit in a lecture but there's a 6 ft girl in front? What if I over reach in the lab and knock over something expensive?
"What if's are presumptions, possibilities but not certain actualities."
            - tarisai
           


People

I am no longer afraid of humans. Hence why they appear twice on my anxieties.
I'll drop the sarcasm, I am not afraid of humans. I just find that as they are the possessors of eye rolls, human nature and tongues. The tongue being a mighty sword. I am knowledgeable of their good and bad. As of my own.
Starting university and also facing the next chapter of my life. I know I'll be coming in contact with more of you beautiful beings. Many more. Here is to empowering, joyous encounter!

What if?

I have not worried or feared this next flight of stairs. Yet anxieties such as this, Those that from exposing myself and stepping away from multiple comfort zones of mine. Have caught my breath and made me hold a beat.
There is much that has provided peace.
First up, Jesus has me. Knowing that I'm loved and I have the support of family and friends and access to such aid. Also, I've been drawing positivity from acknowledging a fact.
Note this one down sunshine. Its a FACT.

Somewhere in your past there was a change, possibly school, home, country, relationship, job. It could have been anything but its there in your history. Quite possibly these hesitations these butterflies that make you hold your breath, allow you to picture the ease of living in a sheltered room and never venturing out. Yet what occurred you moved forward along with the change. You transitioned from primary to big kids high school. You took on that first job. Maybe moved from one good one to another.

Its a fact that you have had those butterflies flying away. Yet you've gone on to make a good time of it all.
This fact is a source of my peace. I know I once faced these anxieties when we were headed to a new home down under and I was beginning a new high school in a new country and had no way of contacting the friends I'd left behind. I wasn't the most positive kid then. Despite this start, if I look where I stand today, with a new opportunity on the next flight of steps. The people I have by my side. People I was afraid of getting to know then.  Or the job I left missing the family I'd found a place in. Yet let it be known I felt incompetent and wanted to quit everything after 2 days.
If I look where I stand now, despite the past pacing, tossing and turning.
I'll be sending out prayers for peace on our troubled tums. Our doubting heads and worrisome hearts. May we have peace and know that just as those passed and we had our good times. we must never let them stop us from seizing.

Bear With
And may you never be held back by naught, including yourself from that bright future of yours.


Tari xx

Edit: When this post was published Tuesday 20th February instead because of Pacific Standard Time, well I can assure you I had one of the best first days. Truly blessed.

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Peek-A-Boo

Monday, 12 February 2018

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January 2017, whilst being just over a year ago now. It was my first encounter with the wicked monster, “Enrol Now”. Yet, I was fortunate enough to have the upper hand, I only had to click defer and he was swallowed whole…poof…evil be gone!

In 2017 I commenced my gap year and it did me some good. So much so that October 2017, when I had to open the door that the grisly, “Enrol Now”, had jumped out from 9 months prior I got a shock. This “monster” did not exist and the impossible tasks he wanted me to complete weren’t impossible. (Monsters Inc is replaying in my mind, the millennial Disney days)
Since then the process of preparing for my first days at university has included more monsters. Or at least the form is monstrously overwhelming.

Likewise the beginning of February, I received an email to plan my Orientation/freshers or “O-week” at Curtin. I shrieked, ignored it, made lunch then a text message from my friend pressed me to read the email. I found myself being overwhelmed with new information, choice, decisions, this path that path. I couldn’t handle hence I took a week break with the “boo’s” echoing in the background.
I see the trend clearly now, especially facing situations that I am new to. I peek and everything bellows “boo” then I close my eyes, turn and hightail it to my shell.  Sometime later, I open the door once more, walk a few steps and no monster in waiting, no “boo” after I peek. In fact, this time it’s me who says “boo” , as it should be.



The latest “peek-a-boo” moment I conquered was the Monday a week before my university orientation. I received a notification on my laptop, an email in regard to a course. I also heard a minor “boo” and continued baking banana muffins. Half an hour later, I sat down to complete my orientation timetable, which I had now overwhelmed. I had by now read the new email, which was asking me to book myself a time-slot for a 40-minute short essay, compulsory of course. Obviously, I hightailed it back to comfort zone. “Really? Me? Ready? Not Today”. However, I went back to that email on the same day. After completing my O-week timetable I found the site, I booked my time and jotted down the building number. I had done it!


Am I recommending that you should approach that which overwhelms you in a similar fashion? Muster up the courage to lift a pinkie and peek behind the door. If you see anything monster like, hear a snarl or even feel a presence that challenges you. Shut the door and stay where you are. Until a day when someone will open the door with you or you feel less overwhelmed.
Am I offering such advice? Should I?


I don’t believe so. I do want to pass on the encouragement I have received. I went from needing 9 months to open one door. To opening and walking through the door even after shrieking 2 hours before. Feeling overwhelmed, afraid, unsure is not comfortable nor does it settle already present anxieties. Sure, enough you possibly could name at least one person you know personally whose been through a similar circumstance. Yet, we can never compare our first time to his or hers. I may know that I can survive and do these things before me. But there are many other emotions that beg to differ.




I have done a lot of mental running and evading. There have been many new situations I’ve been thrust in. I’m grateful I haven’t been alone, I’ve had family and friends supporting me. Yet my struggle has been facing these “doors”, these new responsibilities, tasks, jobs, freedoms, decisions and being scared by what I must take on and complete. There are really no monsters just situations that seem to ask so much of us, require and need a certain type of person. They can be monstrously overwhelming. Granted especially when we are new to them. However, we can never fear them. Or believe we have not got what it takes to move forward and thrive.


Most times I’ve called it a day and walked away. But I have come back. I have been led to conquer. I have been shown that I do not need to melt in a boiling pot of stress and anxieties.
Despite initially being overwhelmed. I must say the past year I’ve grown to know that I can. I don’t back away because I can’t. I need to stop scaring myself. There is nothing to fear. No matter how loud the “boo”, you have nothing to fear. Even if it’s that unfamiliar I don’t need to stress, I can peek and walk further in.
“Cos I’ve got it in me and you do too.” Even if you hear the echoes and they scare you away, never believe the doubt and lie that you can’t. You can.


Life walks are different but a consistent is the shock of what we have never done. No one can prepare us for the mixed emotions taking steps forwards. Know that you’re not alone and you can.

Bear with

Tari xx






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Planner Drama: From Failure to Will Power

Wednesday, 7 February 2018

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Hey Sunshine?
Ever had planner drama?

I tend to find myself in the thick of it. I tell myself that a planner is integral to success in the year. Or at least beginning the year with one is. Since well organised people have planners and I do see myself thriving if I am well prepared or in control.
Now, planner drama commences after I have invested in the planner for the year. At such a time where I have already purchased my planner, friends and colleagues display theirs. Well hello?
Seems you weren’t the only one prepared to take on the year. Believe me I love the way my friend’s excitement heightens, and the electrifying confidence that comes with a planner that is in order and a design they love. Their joy and will for the year is eclectic.
However, this fact comes second to me no longer having that energy or zest for purpose.
I set out to discover where the drive was lost.
Answer, their planner. Right? Planner Drama ensues.


The absence of logic must astound you right? I’m highly amused.
This lunacy is real nevertheless. I’ve experienced it thrice in life. This past month was the first time I acknowledged its existence and ridiculousness. I have listened as people showcase their planners, and whilst I had loved mine at the time, I chucked it down and wished I’d gone for their planner.
Apparently, it wasn’t good enough since I hadn’t utilised it and there were people out there wanting to write in theirs.


Coincidentally, I did open my planner after neglecting it for the last 2 weeks of January and hence without meaning to. On the 1st of February 2018 after 2 weeks planner abandonment, I decided once again I had the right planner. For before each month there is a quote of some sort. January's was plain, hence the planner neglect. Whilst February's read, “Everyday Without Fail, I Will”.
Yes! Yass! Yuss! Now that’s the sort of planner I need. Tari back in action!


Planner Drama. Sure, I coined the term as I reflected on my strange, immature behaviour. Yet I believe it’s real, well it’s the existence of something else. Something like wanting that roaring fire and purpose, visibly burning in someone else.
For January comes around after the celebrations, ring of bells and lit skies. Then what? We all automatically dive into ploughing and sowing our fields? Nah. No. Not I.
Hence why New Year’s resolutions are a taboo.
January comes more like this. A collection of “I will’s” professed and many neglected like the planner that existed as an assistant to our success.  All abandoned barely 5 weeks into the new year. I often ask how January can commence with unswerving purpose and it all be a mere memory of false promises before we even flip to February.
Then I begin calculating the missed time in January, am I not just clocking up more time I could use in other forms? Nod with me. Yes.



You may be one of the precious ducks who has the dedication to implement the goals and habits from January on wards. As I’m in that struggling majority. I truly respect you.

However, for my brethren who aren’t inclined to discipline themselves so early and successfully what to do?  We forgive.
Yes, we accept the failings. Never mind we only moved this far from our starting. We suffered the some of the consequences of that. Now let’s acknowledge and forgive ourselves. Relieve ourselves of heavy hearts and any guilt that should form. Then we proceed forwards and on wards.
Our resolve is to bounce back and attack. Back to establishing a true commitment and developing real discipline. We aim to give it another attempt, “Everyday Without Fail, I Will”.
I fell out with my planner when I couldn’t commit to using it. I envied others because supposedly their planner was that nice it, they were using it and carrying it with them. The blame I placed on an inanimate object. Was my failing to begin what I sought to. Whilst there was a month of many failures and some disappointment. There is still life, time and belief.

Don’t sleep on those goals. Whatever they may be. The sluggish arrival to a new year ceases now. We enter a new month and we proclaim a mission.

Every day without fail I will…



It’s a struggle to toil. But may you flourish this season.
Bear With

Tari xx
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