Sunday, 13 May 2018

no holding back

Having had the opportunity to befriend new people this year, I have found myself with more good friends and we have had the time to add one another on Instagram.
I have always known anyone could view my public profile.
However, there is something different about a stranger viewing it vs your friend who you have seen at some point.
Especially a new friend yet to know you more.

I did once overcome those suffocating anxieties that once shaped and held me back.
I became aware once again, I was using the platform to impress, establish and keep an impression with those I was befriending. Its understandable, people are their own personal brands now.
Yet, I was caging many parts of myself.
Knowing who could be watching, I began to hide, take care and restrict myself.

I convinced myself at a point that I had to. What if my future employer was watching?
Yes, my future employer would care about the selfie I took when my hair was a mess 3 years ago? Really now?

Knowing I had overcome much already and there was always more I could overcome, I challenged myself to break out of the box I was constructing. On a Sunday night that I treated myself to a mud mask I subsequently posted a selfie on my Instagram story.
I felt empowered to take this step despite the all knowing truth that what prohibited me most,
God forbid anyone to be convinced I was anything but beautiful.

What I heard after making this post public for 24 hours seemed unfortunate but it was the continuance of growth. I had a friend advise me to take care with posting such selfies in regards to that particular mud mask selfie.
It tore me because every reason I never would post that selfie trumped every right reason I had to.
It embarrassed me. It crushed me that this came from a friend.
I stepped back though, despite my friend coming from a good place. Their words seemed off and I felt driven to pay little heed to them.

A week later my friend did come back to me with these words.
"Don't listen to him hunny, you are perfect the way you are!!"

Though anxieties are ongoing struggles for many.
This true account of an experience of mine is a superficial example of something much deeper.

What if we look at someone who loves to make people smile, but is hindered because it requires them to be real and different, humble and vulnerable. They fear rejection, disapproval and judgement. They fear it so much they could forgo their purpose.
This person is willing to forgo for peoples judgement.
Not for fair judgment, but human judgement.

They will forgo their dreams, their purpose.... their life.

They will trade their life, to appease someone else's life.

Our lives could be more peaceful, we wouldn't have to conceive the thoughts that we are being judged, we may have no rejection to fear, perhaps no questions and stares and we may never feel weird again.
Right. We might  not have to undergo any of that awkward, mentally straining, tear jerking pressure.
For we can forgo every beautiful hope in our future, to live dictated by what others will say.
Even if they never say it!

I put it to you though.

Is this why you breathe on this Earth?
To live out yours days forgoing every good thing in your life because of what man/woman say?

Each morning amidst all I forget to pray about. I do praise God for life. I wake up and declare my gratitude for the new day I am blessed to be alive in.
Knowing well that others have passed young and old.
Knowing that the education and opportunities I woke up to are those that some somber soul prays and labours for themselves or another.
I am practicing now to not have my life dictated by social stigma.
I can wholly accept and take heed of constructive criticisms, opinions and advice that are birthed from care and love.
Yet to those that come to construct walls in my path, I say begone cast your stones elsewhere!
I will sow my seeds, I will one day reap that harvest and your words that are not to build me will only fall on the ground and all they will have soiled is the sole of my sandals as I run my race.

The gift of life, the gifts you possess. Labour in your season and live to see the fruits. In your labour they may question, judge, wish you despair and failure.
However your triumphant season is on its way!
Do not be held back.
Run your course! Triumph!

Bear with sunshine,

Tari  xx


  1. “In your labour they may question, judge, wish you despair and failure” but in your labour, someday, they will witness how a true, remarkable beauty is formed. You go little Tari bear!! ❤️🤗

    1. God bless your precious soul Sidhee xx
      You words encourage me to labour and to labour hard.


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